More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
