You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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