im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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