I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
