I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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