He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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