my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
