i already hear my dad disowning me
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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