Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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