i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
