I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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