I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
