Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
