I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
