he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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