Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
