yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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