Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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