I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
