Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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