Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
