If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
