made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
