Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
