i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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