the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
