I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
