We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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