You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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