I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
