She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
