My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
