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I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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