Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
