I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
