We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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