fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
