I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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