P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
