just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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