Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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