He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
