she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
