I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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