if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
