I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
