My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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