You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
