I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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