I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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