after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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