There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
